All Things Financial Planning Blog

It’s that time of year where we all get a little crazy with endless holiday activities. In thinking of this article I thought you might now have the chance to take a little time and write a personal card to the ones that matter most. My hope is that you can take the time to write less than a page of your special thoughts and turn it into the best holiday gift your family could ever receive!

The roots of this discussion go back five years ago to when I was at a financial planning conference in Boston and ran into a woman named Susan Turnbull. She had written the book ‘The Wealth of Your Life, A Step by Step Guide for Creating Your Ethical Will’ and she introduced the concept to me of an ethical will. Just the name ethical will does not sound like a very fuzzy term I wanted to wrap my arms around. However, an ethical will is simply about telling the ones you love what is important to you and conveying that to future generations.

It’s very important to recognize that an ethical will is absolutely not a legally binding document like a traditional will. It’s not written in language that only a lawyer would use. It’s your own voice and words about the special wishes you would like to last through time.  Your lawyer may not even tell you about an ethical will as they could actually cause some legal problems if somehow it could be determined that the ethical will is not consistent with the legal and binding will.

These ethical wills aren’t very widespread but they have been around for a long time. They go back thousands of years and are mentioned in the Bible. More recently they date back to the 12th century where Jewish men began to formalize their traditional oral comments into the written word.  The intent of these is much more about your values and your ethics than it is your money and your stuff. It’s much more personal and can be written whenever you’re ready to share your own experience with the ones who mean the most in your life. There may be different versions as your life and your health change, your children get older or your opinions in life change. You may want to feed them to your younger children in bite size pieces so younger children can understand.  Maybe you just want to just lay it all on the table.  I thought it was interesting that right around his inauguration, Barack Obama wrote a letter to his children that was pretty much an ethical will.

In today’s world of technology you’re also not limited to the written word. Another client and friend of mine who was in the television broadcasting industry actually had the foresight to interview his dad on camera. He had the opportunity to ask his dad many of the important questions he wanted to know. Now many years later after his father’s passing he can archive video of his father speaking in his own unique way with his own unique ideas about what was important to carry on through the generations. You can also do this with a digital tape recorder or even on a laptop over the internet as most computers today have a camera and recorder already built in. In fact you can even talk like I am right now by using a software program called Dragon NaturallySpeaking because I have terrible penmanship and horrible typing skills, but talk I can!

Many years ago I bought a number of Susan Turnbull’s books on ethical wills and have distributed them to many clients who showed an interest in doing this with their families.  Yet I have to say that there are very few who have actually completed this process, although many have started it. When I spoke to Susan recently, she reiterated her major points from last September’s article in Barron’s where she talked about:

• Getting started right now
• Just relax and be yourself and talk in your own voice
• Ask yourself the most important messages, feelings, and information you want to convey
• Consider it a work in progress as life changes, as do we
• Be careful and be loving and not hurtful and punishing in the words
• Make it easy to find
• Consider sharing it during your lifetime

**: Barron’s magazine by Lauren Foster on September 18, 2010

 As a result of writing this article today in knowing that I hadn’t had a lot of success with my clients getting these ethical wills done, I figured I should lead by example and do it for myself and my family. Although I still feel that I’m in the prime of life and have a lot of things to accomplish and hopefully a lot of years to convey this to my family, you just never know? So this is for my teenagers and my incredible wife of 26 years, Diane. I’m intending to modify this ethical will many times by the time we celebrate our 50th anniversary.  I’m hoping that by doing this myself it will encourage you to do a holiday note that is less than one page and could be the most important letter you have ever written to them and the most important gift they get this season.  So here goes it:

A Message to my Family (Dave Caruso’s Ethical Will)

To my beautiful, smart and funny wife Diane,

 I want you to know that you are the single most compassionate and caring human being that I know. I thank you so much for your soft-spoken way of easing me when I’m down and knocking me down when my stubbornness, control or my ego gets up! You have been the dominant force in our family making decisions. You make sure I remember that getting all the wealthy clients in the world will never be replaced if I ruin the trust and relationship of you, Alex or Laura. Even sometimes when you don’t think I’m listening to what you have to say (like every other guy in the world from the Mars vs. Venus debate).  I do often hear you loud and clear. Despite the fact that our styles and politics can be a bit different, our morals, ethics & values are absolutely consistent. When in doubt about any family issue I will always deflect to you, even if I don’t like the answer!

To my amazing children Alex and Laura,

I have been recently been reminded that it’s not the weaknesses in you that a parent should ever worry about; it’s confirming and focusing on your strengths that matter most. It’s your character and passions that matter most versus your grades and extracurricular stuff I hound you about. I guess now you get to refer to this letter to get me off your back. I do see the amazing things that you both excel at if you don’t think I say it enough.  Alex, you are one of the most independent thinking and creative persons I know. When you feel passionate about something, there’s nothing that can get in your way and get you off track. The best evidence of this is the spirited discussions you have with me and mom on occasion. You really are your own thinker and have a great and close group of friends that you depend upon for help when you need an opinion or help working out your problems. You also have an inner compassion to help your friends in need regardless as to who may stand in your way. You also have a wonderful tender side where you sometimes wear your heart on your sleeves and put yourself right out there!  It sets you apart from many of your peers.  In fact I’m writing this with some inspiration you gave me as you recently performed with your poetry at the school’s coffeehouse. Always continue your passion for creative writing and the other myriad of skills in life you will develop growing into an intelligent young man.

Laura, your talent, passion and love for music can be matched by very few. Your innate thirst for all things Japanese is evidence of your independent thinking as you search for your own passion, not others.  Your outward quiet demeanor lends to your inward strength to your friends and family. You become like the old company I used to work for E.F. Hutton, where their slogan was that when EF Hutton spoke, people listened. You are that extremely thoughtful and intelligent girl they will continue to listen to. When you were eight years old and mom had us all take an online quiz about your personality, you really liked to have fun when you were categorized as “PARTY.” So take that energy and enthusiasm for fun and instill it in the passion of the things you want to do in life. Also continue to nurture those that you love and care about the same way you did with your parakeets, your fish, our dog Cooper and your guinea pigs Claus & Lucas!

Like every modern day family we all struggle with the work/life balance. I hope that you all find the right balance between your love of family and friends as you work to make the world a better place. I know sometimes my passion for my career takes time away from all of you and I apologize for that. The good news is that I’ve put this in writing, so you all can throw it back at me whenever you think I’m headed in the wrong direction. Please strive to find your perfect balance as you weave your life together to form the fabric of your character and passions. I hope you all remember as well that it’s okay to make a mistake and take risks in life. It helps us to learn from our mistakes and leads to resiliency as we pick ourselves up off the ground. Mistakes and risk are what make us better, unless of course we keep making the same ones. I hope you’ll remember one of the ultimate questions I ask myself while I’m on this earth:  Did I take too much risk, or not enough?

From the depths of your dear old dad and husband’s heart, remember that if I should ever fall to any harm, illness or incapacity, please remember me as a man who knew that you are the three most important people in my life!

Dave Caruso, CFP®
Certified Financial Planner™
Coastal Capital Group
Danvers, MA